It’s time for my old stand-by who should win/who will win predictions: Oscar edition. Get your pens poised, cause I’ll be showing you how to destroy you Oscar pool, thereby allowing you to verbally abuse all of those who pail in comparison to your Oscar greatness. Enjoy!
Best Motion Picture Of The Year
Who Should Win: The Tree Of Life – If you have read this blog even once, you will most likely know that I have a complete obsession with this bizarre, jurassic, and confusing film. Terence Mallick is a genius. Brad Pitt looked sexy in readers. Dinosaurs were there. What more do you want?
Who Will Win: The Artist – This charming throw-back to the black and white, silent era of film had every critic cheering. Literally. Every freaking critic would not shut up about this. It would be a huuuuuuge shocker if this film didn’t bring home not only this award, but plenty more.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Lead Role
Who Should Win: Damian Bachir in A Better Life – First of all, this film was one of the most affecting of the year. Second of all, Bachir is an incredibly underrated talent who deserves this, not only for his killer performance, but also for dat ass. Seriously. Google him.
Who Will Win: Jean Dujardin in The Artist – As George Vallentin, Dujardin was Clark Gable, Gene Kelly, and a French George Clooney all in one. It’s particularly awkward that in winning this award, he will be beating the real George Clooney.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Lead Role
Who Should Win: Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady – She’s a fucking goddess. End of discussion.
Who Will Win: Meryl Streep in The Iron Lady – Fucking right. (Sorry for so much profanity. Meryl just does something to me, okay?)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Who Should Win: Christopher Plummer in Beginners – What can I say? This was Captain Von Trapp’s year. As Hal, the newly gay and newly proud senior citizen, Plummer proved that hot Canadian men just get better with age.
Who Will Win: Christopher Plummer in Beginners – Everyone loves a gay old guy. Except maybe Evangelists and Anne Coulter.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Who Should Win: Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids – Okay, hear me out. Her character was based on Guy Fieri. That alone is worthy of an Oscar. Also, she grounded an otherwise ridiculous character with heart, wit, and some much-needed restraint.
Who Will Win: Octavia Spencer in The Help – It’s Minny Jackson’s year. No one can stop her and her shit pies.
Best Achievement In Directing
Who Should Win: Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris – Maybe my odd attraction to this incestuous little director has skewed my choice, but I believe this film is one of Allen’s best in years.
Who Will Win: Martin Scorsese for Hugo – Scorsese took a big risk with his first foray into 3D and boy did it pay off.
Who Should Win: Kristen Wiig and Amy Mumolo for Bridesmaids – To all the nay sayers out there: this script was charming, original, hilarious and yeah, a little raunchy. Unfortunately, the raunch stigma stinks. (Literally. Did you see her poop in the street?) Anyway, the snooty, old Oscar voters will likely not be rewarding that sort of potty humour and women being all independent and hilarious. Quelle domage.
Who Will Win: Woody Allen for Midnight In Paris – I’m into it. It is deserved. Ca c’est tout. (Get it? Cause it was set in Paris. So topical and hilarious).
Best Adapted Screenplay
Who Should Win: Steve Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, and Stan Chervin for Moneyball – This trio is an Oscar voter’s wet dream. However, the film doesn’t have the cache to hold down a win. Sorry, Sorkin. You’ll have to cry into your Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for The Social Network. So 2011.
Who Will Win: Alexander Payne , Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash for The Descendants – They had to throw something Clooney’s way to make it worth his bronzer and carting that shiny mannequin around the red carpet all night.
Best Animated Feature Film
Who Should Win: Puss In Boots – I chose this mostly because I enjoy Latin stereotypes.
Who Will Win: Rango – Johnny Depp as a lizard of some sort? American Western themes? Other talking animals? Oscar voters are clearly sold.
Best Foreign Language Film
Who Should Win: Monsieur Lazhar – Okay, I’m biased because it’s French Canadian. But honestly, this film was one of the most joyful, poignant, and enjoyable movies of the year. Bien sur! Poutine for all!
Who Will Win: A Separation – This Iranian import seems to have struck every right note with Oscar voters. I would be shocked if this classic Oscar bait didn’t bring home the gold.
Who Should Win: Pina – This stunning 3D dance documentary may not have struck enough of an activist tone to make a ripple in the category, but it was by far the most visually impressive film I saw all year.
Who Will Win: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory – Let’s face it: HBO is like the cool kid at every award show. And the triple-homicide murder trial it is based upon is just too exciting, too provocative, and too engaging to be denied.